Monday, November 9, 2009

Clarity

IN the last few months I've been doing a lot of thinking about the person that I want to be. I came out of a  two and a half year relationship and realised that during these two and a half years, for some reason I had given up on many things, but the main thing I had given up on was me.
During these last few months of deliberation I have come to understand that I just wanted to be a normal young person and not a young person with a chronic illness. Although I knew I had RA and that it wasn't going to go away, I was still going to bed every night wishing that when I woke up in the morning it would have miraculously disappeared and I could live the life that I hoped for and that I saw everyone else living.
I tried many of the things that were suggested to me by others, but with the half heartedness and a feeling in my stomach that none of it felt right.
Now I realise that it did not feel right due to the fact that I had not discovered these things for myself. Someone else had thought they were a good idea, and yes they may well have been good ideas and I may be undertaking them now, I needed to discover them at my own pace.
I know that everyone was and is trying to help me but I have to do this on my own. I am the one who fully understands the disease within my own body and the limitations and potential my body possesses.
It is strange actually writing this but I am actually thankful that my boyfriend and I broke up, as painful as it may have been at the time, because I was thrown in the deep end and had no one to make decisions for me any more and I was forced to make them myself.
Moving into a share house where everyone is always busy and doing their own thing has been a big part of me re-gaining my independence and sense of self. Being on my own so much has given me the time to think for myself and make the decisions I've needed to to become strong again and realise what I want out of life.
I write this post as I spend my last weekend here before moving back with my parents (due to financial reasons) but I know that I will continue to be independent and grow and change.
Moving home does not have to mean revoking my independence, it just means adapting to change.
Another part of the reason why I felt smothered and overwhelmed by all the suggestions was that I couldn't justify or explain them to anyone else. I hadn't worked out what it was that I needed and then sourced ideas myself and researched and weighed up all my options.
I had let others do it for me because I was tired.
Although I still suffer fatigue daily, I'm not tired any more and I want the old me back.
No, I take that back. I don't want the old me, I strive for a better me, the best me.
On the bad days, that I know will always be there, I will look to this post and remember this very moment of extreme clarity.
I just hope it will be enough to get me through.


"It's never too late, you're never too old, you're never too sick
To start from scratch again, to be born again."

- Bikram Choudhury, Founder of Bikram Yoga

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